I absolutely hate these weekends with the kids. I don’t know what to do with them. They constantly stack overflow me. I’m unable to operate and do anything.
Hnat during the day. He becomes insane after his sleep time, at about midday. He does his best to not fucking sleep, even 15 fucking minutes. I fucking hate him for this. Especially when there are days I’m sick or very low on resources. That short afternoon nap helps a lot, but he just wastes everyone else’s energy by not allowing us to get any sleep.
Nadia during the nights. Especially if she was allowed to sleep during the afternoon, longer than 20…40 minutes. Today, I allowed her to sleep for two hours during the day, and she’s insane again. In her typical ‘mentally ill person’ fashion. She laughs for no reason, she makes noises, makes her members constrained, cries, laughs again, and makes loud loud noises. Fuck, I just feel hatred towards that child. Give us a fucking break, and get the fuck to sleep! She’d laugh for three fucking hours, till midnight. And there’s no guarantee she won’t repeat during the night, at a random time. Say, since 3 am till 6 am. Hell, I don’t know how she’s going to survive this life if she won’t get any better with her brain. She clearly does her best to wear us off, so we’d die as early as possible. I don’t know what to do about her.
Fuck it. Tomorrow is another day at home with kids. The weather is cold, Nadia is sick, Hnat was sick, I am somewhat sick. So we’d be at home, all fucking day.
Wasted days. What we’d do? I have no idea.
I feel physically how this family life slowly kills me. Day after day after day after day. And it looks like there’s no way of getting it to be anything better.
I don’t know, probably a more like-minded on some essentials partner would help, I have no idea.
Solomia has tremendous issues with food, she eats as her mamma taught, Coca Cola with sushi, chips, sweets, sweets, sweets. Being super low on energy, I cannot cook for myself, and on top of this, Solomia devalues all my meals. And that’s considering that over the years, I learned how to cook. I’m pretty good at cooking. Yet, for her, it’s not her type of food. As if she’d cooked marvellously. I feel like I haven’t eaten proper food for 7 years. That continues to my having no energy at all.
No proper food. No rest at all. No sleep during the nights. No meaningful conversations with my wife. At this point in time, family life feels mostly as a bad way to live life. Thankfully Hnat generates some positive happy vibes. At this point in life, if that’s not for him, I don’t know how would our family would hold. Maybe one happy day Nadia become at least not that difficult to maintain. But I guess she’d never be the kid that would be as a normal kid. Whatever that means. It’s very difficult to have a child like that, and I think I don’t want any more kids. On the other hand, there’s this idea that what if one more kid is a normal kid? I don’t like the idea that Hnat is just alone. Nadia is apart, and it’s unpredictable whether she’d be any close to the family, or the opposite, whether she’d ever leave us. We might be parenting her till her 50 years, if we’d survive that long. Considering how much she contributes towards making our lives as difficult as humanely possible, I won’t plan to live longer than a decade, or two at best. My dad died at fifty, while having a perfectly normal kid. Well, and quite stupid wife. But he was lucky she divorced him within a couple of years. Sad he probably did not realised that part properly. If he’d be alive today, I’d help him realise, so he’d never regret this. Also, I’d ask him for help, and I just know he’d do his best, in a genuine sincere way. He’d be the best grandpa.
Instead, my kids have two grandmothers I despise and cannot stand, and a grandfather who exists on paper. Very helping, considering I do need some help with the kids indeed. And post-idiotic society (post USSR, meaning occupied by fucking russian barbarians), that isn’t ready for special kids like Nadia. I cannot stand her properly when she’s like this mentally ill weird person, what can I ask from the outside people?