I am slightly tired of this societal phenomenon, birthdays. My attitude towards birthdays — mostly mine, but others too — was changing throughout my life. I cannot recall my early childhood, when it’s mostly parents’ special day, but since my early school years, it felt like I’m the king, at least when the calendar is at Oct the 17th. My mum had been organising some kind of feast, and I was allowed to invite all my friends. Those were mostly school friends, as my Summer-time friends were living in another country, about a thousand of kilometres away. The internet, social networks and messengers, arrived closer to my twenties, and was a bit late for keeping in touch.
Late teens and early twenties, I felt very depressed, for various reasons. I wanted others to know my birth day, so when I issued a fake one in my social networks, and was getting congratulations, I was somewhat sad that people do not know my real birth day.
Mid twenties, I felt there must be something special about my birthday, mustn’t it? So, a very energetic friend of mine, pushed me to celebrate. ‘It’s not just your day, it’s your friends one too!’ he used to say. One birthday, 25, we went to a strip club, and my other friends were having fun, but I was more like ‘meh, not funny guys.’ It was an interesting experience, though. I don’t think I’d visit it ever again, and if not for him and his silly idea, we’d just missed this silly opportunity to feel us being some true dorks.
Next one, 26, I had a somewhat weird idea I’d like to be in Hong Kong, and so we were, eating waffles in some restaurant of its business island. However, the whole Hong Kong thing was stressful to organise. Very stressful, when I learned all of us need visa, and I was issuing statements for myself and the guys that our net worth is millions of dollars a year. Well, technically… Fuck it, no, we weren’t millionaires by then. We could have been, right? The year wasn’t finished!
Late twenties, it was more about family, and at my 30th, we had our first kid, so it became very different since then. Today I’m closer to forty than to thirty, so … well, I cannot say there’s something special that I feel. And that’s the problem, throughout my life I didn’t want a day to be anything special. Every single day is special! Well, I was born at this date, some many years ago, I made it through some number of full years, pretty cool, yeah. But, why would I celebrate it? That I made it through?
I am slightly tired of this societal phenomenon, birthdays. My attitude towards birthdays — mostly mine, but others too — was changing throughout my life. Weird that throughout my morning I had this thought, if I’m to be killed today (Ruzzians are the sponsors of this idea), as I have all the chances, as any other day or night, my grave would have a pretty round number. That’s not my mood, it’s that I had no other thoughts. This very thought wasn’t dominating, it was rather some blank state, then it jumps off somewhere on me, and I’m ‘ha, well, yeah. But I’d rather prefer the number to be not that pretty, and I’d live much longer, please.’
It’s nice to be remembered by others, and it’s nice to have some warm words, and all that. But for some reason, especially with some people, it feels like I owe them something, and I realise I hate it.
As a parent, I know that birthdays are mostly for parents. It’s not really our special days, it’s our parents’ special days, our birthdays. I think more for mums, due to the nature of how we born. As a dad, I feel slightly left aside, even despite I was present during both childbirths of my kids. Hnat was very funny, as he was super quick, even the medical guy was surprised. Turned out my wife, having her 2nd labour, knew more about this than the guy who works in a hospital and has tens of childbirths a day. That’s quite philosophical.
My mother, she’s toxic, she’s abusive, and she’s always too much. She’s overly enthusiastic, and she makes me uneasy, even living in another country. It’s difficult to have conversations with her, she makes me angry within minutes. I’m pretty much trained by this, I’m a super calm person, but she’s just spilling this constant stream of idiotic non-sense.
Including war-related bullshit this time. She claims she watches news in Ukrainian, but it’s clearly visible she watches these news in Russian, and she just wastes my energy (on which I’m super-low) with these idiotic takes. She asks me when the war stops. She does not mean ‘when you Ukrainians stop defending yourselves,’ but it feels like it. Otherwise, there would be no question like that.
I have no fucking idea when the war stops. When fucking Russia stops existing, that’s the fucking answer. The war stops when there’s no Russia, full stop. The idea of modern-day Russia is the idea of an imperialistic country (in reality just one city) that enslaved other nations, sucks all their resources into Moscow, and they want more, more, and more. When the abomination is decapitated (by which I mean Moscow must be mostly destroyed), the war would stop. They won’t bother any of their neighbours. They’ll fall apart into smaller states, and that would bring us all peace.
Is there a bigger evil on this planet? If it’s not USSR and its belch, Russia, then who?
I’ve heard multiple ‘oh, you’ll grow to appreciate your parents when you’ll grow up’ kind of talk from various people, and I’d really appreciate if they would be somewhat more grounded, and attentive. And wise. You know, people are different. Life isn’t universal, that’s what I learned over time. It’s not like we all arrive at the same place with different pace. We’re approaching different destinations in life, and I’d dare to say they’re so unique, that probably there are no two persons arriving at the same place. We are designed to die, all of us, but even that does not mean our destination is the same place for everyone.
I do not appreciate my mother, and I do not enjoy her company. That’s normal, and I don’t see that being different ever. That’s not that I hate her for something, or cannot forgive her for something. It’s not like I don’t understand something, and I’d learn it the painful way later. I’m a pretty formed person by now, and if there’s something, it’s not for nothing.
The whole thing is much simpler. There are people you enjoy being with, and there are people you don’t. It’s not that complicated. Some families, they don’t have to be like Christmas postcards, that’s the beauty of the real life. It’s very different.
Solomia bought a very tasty and super expensive cheese cake — over the last years, we were pretty overindulging these cakes. I did not expect it for some reason, perhaps I just forgot we buy this kind of cake casually here and there. And the most enjoyable thing was to see kids being so happy that there’s cake for breakfast! Not that everyday porridge we eat. Funny thing, Hnat did not even try the cake (there are some fruits inside, and he does not like fruits), and Nadia ate like 1/6th of her portion. Yet, they were so happy, and Nadia’s happy face was really special this morning.
She’s like a grown-up all the time. I bet she understands life better than all of us, and struggles to appreciate it the kid’s way. This morning she was happy seeing me blowing these ‘Happy Birthday!’ candles. Happy, like a kid can be. It’s nice to see the kid being a kid.
I absolutely hate people giving me these silly ‘I have to have a present’ gifts. I’d rather have a silly creative gift that costs a penny, yet having some true care and attention than something expensive, but what I don’t need or like. I’m long past this point in life when I can buy anything I ever wanted. Truly, I don’t feel constrained in buying anything. Say, a yacht… but at this point in life, I see no value in that. A mansion would be cool to have, but it feels like I don’t need that either. By this point in life, I feel long contained, I have most of the things I ever wanted. Now, my dreams are much bigger than just materialistic things. I’d love to have a wonderful country and people all around me, but I really like it here in Lviv, and it would take a lifetime to get to that wonderful city I’d like it to be. That is truly expensive, not a single oligarch can just go and buy that. There are bigger powers at play, than just money. So the journey is fascinating, at least.
I’d love to have more energy and health, but these days that’s just a matter of having some resources for myself. And later in life, that won’t be a given, anyway. I just hope to postpone that point in time as much as I can.
Another thought that came to my mind this morning is that probably I have lived half of my life already. Or even more. Really, it all depends, the difference is when I’d die. Seventy two feels like somewhat old age, so I’d be thankful to get there. But also, the life is actually an infinite journey, that’s the beauty of it. Even if I’m to die today or tomorrow, from this very point it feels like I’m going to live forever. I have an undefined of time left.
As of the others. Previously, I had this habit of adding a birthday to each contact, so I’d know when a person has their special day. I had notifications, and I tried to ‘hey, happy birthday!’ them, but over time I realised that most people would never do that back. And not that I expect them to ping me back, but by hey-ing them, I put them in this position of expectations. And I force them to ‘thank you, thank you, thank you,’ I guess. So, these days, I’m trying to send my birthday wishes only to the closest ones, or the ones I’m slightly in touch, and just ignore the rest. I may know of others’ birthdays, since now I have a special system of noting that down, a kind of a diary, huh.
And I have a pretty good memory when it comes to numbers. But I learned I am not obliged to do that. Sometimes I can though. It really depends on how packed my day is, and other factors.
There are some people in my life, they made my birthday a very special day, with their birthdays. A college friend of mine, he’s having his birthday at the exact same day. So it’s not all about me these days, but also him. And before him, I had my school friends, they’re twins, having their birthday exactly one week before me. So each year, while they had their birthday, I knew that my birthday is exactly in one week. There was another school friend, whose birthday was exactly one week after me. So I felt very comfortable being in the middle. I knew there are people before me, and there are people after me. I think their birthdays taught me this valuable lesson that it’s not about just me, but others too.
Today, I really don’t like this feeling, that I ought to give my attention to various people. But I don’t mean it the grumpy way. I don’t like the feeling, not the fact that I have to reply back, or to have a call with someone. The feeling may change over time.
With the exception of my mum, as she truly spends all her efforts to make me feel obliged and manipulated.
Maybe, I’m just so much off my energy now, it’s really tough, this life, lately.
Today, I truly feel my forties approaching. I plan to meet them by becoming stronger, so I hope when they come, instead of saying ‘I’m feeling old,’ I’d smile ‘hey, life is gonna be pretty long.’ Why won’t it, right?