Nadia haven’t slept properly for the last week. And by properly I mean fucking 7 to 8 hours she usually sleep. The kids her age easily sleep up to 12 hours a day (including the afternoon nap), but this demon does not. As if these 7 hours of sleep is not enough (to torture us, parents), she loves to wake up in the middle of the night and laugh like Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker, for no fucking reason. For hours. It looks like this: she wakes up at 3 AM, and she doesn’t sleep any more. And you don’t sleep either, till 7 AM, when you need to ‘wake up’ and do things. Then there’s the evening, you’re ready to sleep at 9 PM, but she’s not. She’s laughing till 11 PM or even midnight. That’s my point if no return, when I cannot fall asleep easily any longer.
This week, she did that twice, two days in a row. It’s difficult to sleep if someone laughs like a madman near you. That’s how we sleep four hours a night, at some nights. There’s never a recovery night for us, it’s never we sleep even 10 hours. Most times, 7 hours of sleep is a luxury. Seven hours of uninterrupted sleep is just never a case. Or, well, maybe once a month. A rounding error.
Sometimes I think I just hate this fucking kid. Hnat has no sleep issues, he’s a typical kid, and it was twice this year, he had a nightmare, waking up crying. I comfort him, I tell him we all are here, it’s all okay, and we’re back to sleep within 5 to 10 minutes. Not even an issue. Sometimes I wake up to pee or these fucking ruzzian savages try to massacre us with their missiles and drones, and it’s a bigger deal that triggers my not sleeping state for a couple of hours. Hnat’s nightmares are just an easy things not even worth mentioning, really. It’s just a comparison, what it looks like for regular kids.
It’s nothing like that with Nadia. She makes an impression of a mentally ill person. A schizophrenic. Solomia says earlier kids with autism were named schizophrenics. Before some research of modern days. They’re not mentally ill, autistic people, they’re just different, that’s it.
I have no idea what to do about this life situation. Will it ever get better? Regular kids are difficult, when it comes to sleep, but it’s nothing like that. The difficulty lowers over time.
- First three months are the worst, brace yourself, you’ll survive, but it’ll be very hard. Especially for the mum.
- Then the next three months are a little bit easier.
- Then the next half a year is easier and almost manageable.
- Then the next year (between the kid of age 1 and 2) is also easier.
- And after 2, it’s mostly a regular kid. After 3, it’s a funny little cub you’d enjoy spending your time with, if you’re a father. A mother seems like enjoying this whole madness right away. Right after the labour, huh. It’s no wonder, how difficult and painful that whole thing is. (I have no idea of the pain, obviously. I can only imagine.)
But this fucking kid is just completely different. It feels like we’re completely stuck in the first 6 month or a year, age It’s been like that for over six years now. It’s not that difficult as a newborn, but it’s fucking torture to not sleep for years, fucking years!!
Solomia says there’s a high chance she’ll never grow up to live on her own, and she’ll live with us till we die of an old age. It feels like a pretty quick endeavour, the getting old part. Lack of sleep contributes to that significantly. My mother-in-law, being an absolute degenerate, contributes to this ‘both died in a car crash’ kind of ‘solution’ and while I’m somewhat indifferent to my wife’s mother dying a stupid death, I’m not wishing this for an innocent child, obviously. (That’s why I hate to allow the kid to travel with her idiot grandma. Each time I afraid she might die, because her grandmother gives zero fucks whether the kid is safe, she could skip on using a belt for a kid, which she did many times, forcing me to be aggressive with her.)
So honestly, I have no idea what to do here. At some point we’ll surely have some separate room for her, and maybe that’ll allow us to sleep, while she’d contribute to her not doing any evolution and progress, I don’t know. All this just becomes ‘oh fuck your already, I’m saving myself at least,’ which I don’t like, but I see no other options at this point. We’re doing our best with tutoring and throwing money into the problem, but the problem is most unsolvable. I hate to say it, but it just feels like a spoiled child. We cannot refund her, and Solomia starts to want to have a third child. Initially, we wanted three, but this demon made our lives an everyday hell, in addition to that degenerate I mentioned earlier. And there’s a ⅓ chance we’ll have another autistic kid. Which brings me to the ‘oh fuck it, no way’ attitude. On the other hand, we might have a regular child like Hnat, and there are a delight to have. So, instead of having a 50% of autistic kids, we could lower this to 33% if we’re lucky. Or higher this into 66% and, I don’t know, die early, and leave Hnat to the miserly of both his grandmothers, both being far from smart. Well, at least my mother isn’t a degenerate, but she’s far from smart either.
All that makes me not willing to have any kids ever again. Only Hnat — we were lucky to have him that early, he’s less than two years younger than Nadia — only Hnat brings me this light of hope.
It’s sad that Nadia in Ukrainian (and Belarusian too) means hope. She almost deported me of all mine.